FAMILY!@#! Stress to Family Bliss

Today’s column is not about why families cause stress — this would never fit within a 300-500 word blog. Instead we’re tackling why one person stresses out spending time with their family while another family member finds time spent with the same exact family to be blissful. Our personalities determine how we experience the exact same experience, i.e., the same Christmas dinner can yield many vastly different experiences. The trick to family bliss is simply acknowledging this reality.

Years ago I worked with a fantastic career coach named Stephen Carr. During our main session, he had me describe my mom growing up. I said “Strict and fair with rules.” When I relayed this description to Katie, she burst out laughing, “Mom?? Mom had RULES?? What rules?” I couldn’t believe she didn’t agree with me. Our mom was not exactly an authoritarian nightmare but there were rules. For example, if I asked my mom for a Ho Ho before dinner because I was hungry the answer was no. Katie just didn’t ask. As a Classic Freedom (SFJ), I’m more of a rule follower than Katie who is an Organic Freedom (NFP). Organic Freedom’s have the highest drop-out rate in the US Army for a reason. My point is that while we had the same “upbringing,” our experiencs were vastly different because we are vastly different personality types. 

In a few weeks time, someone, say his name is Bob, is going to sit at Christmas dinner and feel hurt by his sister, Jane, who in what she thinks is good natured fun and her way of showing her love for her brother, will tease him about his new low-level job or his string of superficial girlfriends, or his goofy haircut, etc., but Bob will just see this as criticism because he always interprets her good natured teasing as Jane belittling him yet again. The rest of the family moves on and thinks Christmas dinner is a blast. But Bob, is now angry at Jane and the rest of the family because while they think/know it’s Jane’s way of showing her love, Bob takes it as implicit agreement that everyone thinks he’s a loser with a bad haircut and no chance at lasting love; he’s simmering and counting down the minutes until he can leave.

Many of us in that family might notice his mood and some of us might ask him if everything was okay. But, almost all of us would hear his complaint about dinner and having “experienced” what Jane said to Bob that he’s being overly sensitive and she didn’t mean to hurt his feelings. This would in turn make Bob feel even more alienated, speeing up his departure countdown.

Here is where there is an opportunity to alleviate the cycle of family stress. Instead of telling Bob what’s wrong with him, try simply letting him be heard and say, “I can understand why that might hurt your feelings.” You don’t have to trash Jane, just recognize that Bob doesn’t experience Jane the same way you do. You’d be surprised how far listening and being understanding to people’s different experiences and feelings might take your family one step closer to bliss for all.

P.S. Okay, okay, okay, I didn’t want to stereotype but personality types most prone to being accused of being overly sensitive are Organics (NF), Classic Freedoms (SFJ), Fun Freedoms (SFP). They are who they are. The sooner you validate their feelings, the sooner they’ll move on from them and might throw a few “good natured” zingers your way too.