Forgive and Forget or Forget It and Beware?

We thought it was apropos to talk about forgiveness during the Jewish High Holy Days (and if we’re wrong, please forgive us our gentile ignorance!) But as the title suggests, different personality types deal differently in how they give and ask for forgiveness, outside their religious and cultural traditions. Frankly it’s probably much easier to ask God for forgiveness than other people, but, that might just be me inserting my personality preferences into the equation! Still, holidays tend to bring family together, we thought it would also be a good time to talk about how one crucial aspect of type informs how we deal with conflict and the inevitable need to forgive and how this affects our home and family life.

Which types hate to deal with it the most? That would be the F types, those who use subjective rationale to make decisions — Organics (NFs), Fun Freedoms (SFPs) and Classic Freedoms (SFJs). These types prize harmony above all else and so try to avoid family conflict at all costs. Some of them do this by avoiding contact with family at all. Especially easy when the family they’re avoiding are those logical T types — Smarts (STs), Fun Structures (STPs) and Classic Structures (STJs) — who use logic to make decisions and tend to avoid family if it’s logistically difficult or doesn’t make sense to get together.

But by and large if your family has enough of a mix between subjective types with their “wacky” decision making (to logical types anyway) and a good sprinkling of those said unmoveable logical types, you’ll keep coming together, heck, families have kept coming together for eons. But it’s a helluva lot easier if there’s some forgive and forget involved. And remember, we’re talking about healthy personality types here. Add a little alcoholism or personality type disorders into the mix and you’ve entered into a whole new bag of wax.

Kelly always disagrees with me about which types have a harder time with forgiveness than others. I always say it’s those logical T types — Smarts, Fun Structures, and Classic Structures — the ones who use logic to make decisions and Kelly always says it’s the F types — Organics, Fun Freedoms, and Classic Freedoms. But Kelly’s right. The F types are probably more likely to hold a grudge depending on how they were raised and what wacky value system they were raised with. We think logical T types tend to have an easier time ignoring the trouble.

So for instance, if it’s normal in your family not to talk to family members for years on end, than logical or subjective, it makes it okay not to talk. ON the flip side, because it is most definitely NOT normal in our F dominated family to not talk to each other when we have a conflict. Because of the F domination, we tend to be conflict avoiders, so we just, um, we just forget about it. Let it go. But as I say in the title, beware. F types might SAY it’s okay just to bring about peace today. THEN at some later date when we’re having a blow out fight about something else, that previous thing we supposedly forgave each other about? Yep, it comes back rearing its ugly head.

And speaking of blow out fights, I’m again reminded that Kelly IS right about the logical types being more honest or rule bound about their forgiveness, than the F types. There’s a calming element to rational or logical decision making and they might not forgive you for a really long time, but eventually they will either accept you for who you are, or just won’t give you the time of day. There is some comfort in that kind of yes or no thinking. To us, we have always been drawn to the Jewish Day of Atonement, because once a year you repent, ask for forgiveness and then you’re forgiven. For real, no give backs.

Now, we’re not saying all of this is set in stone. Or that T’s aren’t affected by conflict, or all F’s keep grudges just waiting to pounce when the moment arises. And some T’s have an easier time than others, vice versa for F’s. Plus, do not forget we’re talking about mentally healthy folks. There are many Fs in this world who have personality disorders, which render entirely different reactions to conflict than mentally healthy Fs. But, our point is that the emotionality of conflict affects us all, which is why all religions have some form of confession, atonement and forgiveness. And it’s also why personality type advocates try to promote personality type awareness and type development.

Most of what we deal with in PixiesDidiIt is in becoming aware of your personality type so you can use your strengths and forgive your weaknesses, especially when you’re relaxing at home. We spend so much time stretching our preferences at work — dealing with conflict, working with deadlines, lists, filing cabinets, stupid people, no real choice but to accept those annoying people at work — that when it comes to family we think we ought to have a break from all that. But it’s not so easy.

Type development helps us be the best we can be, or rather it helps you “be the best you” to borrow an Oprah phrase rather than the Army’s slogan. For instance, when it comes to gathering family together this holiday season, F’s can work on tuning their logic to see that making their parents (or other family members) happy by making nice with their siblings isn’t so bad or hard, especially once or twice a year. And that T’s can see that it is important to gather the whole family together every once in a while even if it’s very difficult logistically. And hopefully we can all spend this holiday season — it does seem to go on until New Year’s doesn’t it? — trying to forgive, forget and just get over it already.