How does one explain this to someone who has never had their uterus pull on them like a charley horse?

I know that some women say their kidney stones hurt worse? But frankly, they didn't have my labor pains, nor my menstrual cramps. They are really really bad and without pharmaceuticals I would have spent a tenth of my twenties curled up in a fetal ball of pain and loathing. It is insidious and evil and these days the pain lasts about 10 days, four of which are for when I actually HAVE my period.

But I don't have my period yet. And the pain is killing me. I was supposed to get it on Wednesday and it's Saturday now. Two days late, which isn't out of the ordinary. I'm a 28 to 30 day gal. (And I'm not pregnant, blood test from a doc on Wednesday said no.) The only times I've been really irregular were when I was taking supplemental hormones of some kind. Hmm. So, first time I took prednisone for a never ending fungal sinus infection I had because of an immune deficiency my body has for a specific fungus, my body produced a grapefruit "functional" cyst that burst on an otherwise lovely Saturday such as today almost five years ago.

I have very clear memories of the day because my life hasn't been the same since. I was getting ready in the morning and was overtaken with a sharp and debilitating pain that knocked me to my knees, much like my labor pains or an extreme charley horse or I imagine a knife wound. Then the "gas" pain began which wasn't so bad if I could get into the right position. But it wasn't gas. Its was blood, leaking into my body cavity, spreading around like salt on a wound. 12 hours later I had the diagnosis, some pain killers and follow up appointment with my OB.

Two weeks later I was in the ER again when indigestion turned into spasming pain around the same spot that the cyst had burst two weeks earlier. This time there was no diagnosis. Nothing was wrong. Three days in a hospital and I was on my own. What did I try as that Spring progressed into Winter?

Ah yes, Pelvic Floor therapy.  Yeah, like a crazy invasive gynecological appointment. And what else? Ah. GI doctors. Because the pain killers I had been given were Vicoprofen, and my stomach began to intolerate the NSAIDs so I had nausea and gastric reflux, and one incomplete endoscopy, then I went to another GI and had another endoscopy of my stomach and a colonoscopy and every known blood test. Nope Nothing wrong. Just the ever elusive GI diagnosis of I.B.S. Hmm. And maybe it was adhesions? Those are scar tissue left behind from surgery. Oh yes and I also saw two other OBs. One was an oncologist who ruled out cancer. Phew. The other was the head of a prestigious hospital who charged me $350 to tell me that I might have congestive pelvic something or other OR endometriosis, and he could give me a shot of Depo Prevara to see if I would respond to the treatment and if I did, then it would give me a diagnosis of endometriosis. When I told my OB that I had seen this Depo Prevara happy dude he told me he wouldn't give that poison to his worst enemy. Yeah. I'm glad I told this doc no. He already scammed me for like $500 bucks for the initial appointment. And thank God I asked him, "How would this affect my fertility?" Because I was planning to get pregnant that summer. The summer of 2007. Yeah. Well that dream sailed a long time ago.

So yes. I am writing this from the deepest places of despair. I'm in pain, I'm having nausea, I've got to figure out what my kids want to eat for dinner and find the energy to do so, and I'm on a ridiculous amount of pain killers that just take the edge off. So I'm not pregnant, in pain and just have four days of my period to look forward to. The rest of my saga will have to wait for another day. But right now I am feeling the curse. The bloody F'ing curse.

I don't know, but I won't give up. Not entirely. Sometimes I take breaks, but I keep doing research, keep looking for studies and new solutions. Recently I found a new term when searching for a solution to my IBS pain that's been acting up. IBS stands for Irritable Bowel Syndrome — which is a catch all for unexplained diarrhea and constipation when other diseases have been ruled out. I used to just have diarrhea, but now since I've been on and off Percocet for four years I get what they call, "alternating" IBS which means I have both. Oh and with the constipation I get stabbing pain in my lower abdomen right before I move my bowels. How exciting. At least I get a one minute warning bell before I need to get to a bathroom.

Sigh. Why don't gastroenterologists take my pain complaints more seriously? Well one of them did, but she thought it must be from adhesions. Adhesions are scar tissue from my c-section (that had happened three years earlier.) Well I had surgery to see if that was the cause, and um, it wasn't. She doesn't take my insurance so I went to a new one. She told me I had the thyroid disorder right before I went under for a colonoscopy, and that was right after the anesthesiologist expressed concern for my doctor prescribed usage of Percocet for my debilitating back pain. "You're too young to have this much pain." Right doc, you got any fucking answers? I mean shit. Why do doctors think they should be talking to a patient whom they've never met before while she's naked in a gown being wheeled on a gurney?

Ugh. Okay. I have a mantra of no anger. No anger. Can't afford it. And the fact is that doctors are as limited in their knowledge of pain conditions as I am. And for whatever reason it has apparently become the patient's job these days to keep track of their health and connect all the dots. I can either accept it, or get angry. So I accept it and keep looking for answers.

So I found a study about "Visceral Hypersensitivity." It's the newest research in digestive issues like heartburn, reflux and IBS. They've found that patients who complain of this kind of pain seem to be sensitized to visceral pain. Visceral is internal organ pain. Somatic pain is y'know external. In fact, people with visceral sensitivity tend to have a higher threshold to external pain. Which explains how easy it is for me to give blood, and yet the moment I have gas I'm crouching in the fetal position.

Anyway. The science is a little above my head, but the pain is somehow due to histamines and serotonin and all that kind of stuff. So old school anti-depressants and some kind of antihistamine that you can only get in Europe and Canada. So that is a no-go, until my husband or I travel to Canada. The old school anti-depressants are tri-cyclic. Americans being a depressed and anxious lot, those are a little easier to come by. Plus, it's supposed to help with neuropathic pain, and PMDD...does that sound like my new and perfect drug?

Well, sort of.

Within 24 hours of taking nortriptyline (Pamelor or Aventyl) I had already started to experience one of the side effects (dry mouth) and the next day I forgot to take Percocet until the evening because, frankly, for the first time in months I had no back pain. I've been an emotional mess the last two weeks, but notriptyline takes longer to have anti-depressant effects than it does to take care of pain. What's funny is that I took this medicine for IBS pain and have had it actually treat my lower back. So far this has held true. In the last couple of days leading up to my period I'm somewhat okay emotionally, but y'know I'm never great even on Prozac. So far, nortriptyline is stopping me from circling the black hole.

So it's treating my IBS (I think, I actually haven't had any in a while, probably more due to my probiotic that I take called Align) , lower back and the worst emotional effects of PMDD. What about menstrual cramps?

Nope. No go.

I didn't expect that to happen, but still it's kind of annoying to be able to start titrating off Percocet only to get sidelined by the mother of all pain. And my internist didn't seem to understand how bad my menstrual cramps actually are. I still honestly wonder what drugs would exist if men had to go through this every month. Okay, no anger, no anger.

My cramps have always been bad, but in my 20's I was able to stop them with ibuprofen. Not so anymore. They used to last about one to two days; now we're talking a solid four if not longer. Last month I was basically in a dream/drugged state for four days while on vacation having my period. It's brutal. And I get cramps for a week before my period too. I've read that this might be due to my thyroid disorder that's gone untreated for four years (can't get angry, can't get angry) but it's still pretty horrible. And I'm getting a bit angry at my internist who just told me to supplement the ibuprofen with Tylenol. What? Tylenol? That's, um, that's NEVER WORKED. Ugh.

So. No titrating off the Percocet until my period is over. Because for the past year I've had to take Percocet, Ibuprofen AND valium in order to control the menstural pain. How normal is this? And why is this okay?

It's not okay. Going to call my internist and talk to him about this in more detail. He seemed a bit rushed and distracted when I was there and to be fair I made the appointment to get an antibiotic for my sinus infection.

So. All those with nerve related back pain, bulging disks and whatnot? Nortriptyline seems to be a lifesaver. But who knows. I'm cautious these days. I'll give it a glowing recommendation once I don't have to take the Percocet anymore. Until then, I'll keep searching not only for a new drug, but a better solution.

Howard and Robin reacted as they usually do, with bemusement and annoyance, and talked about about how the show is so often maligned as if it is creator of the "bad" behavior that is personified right now by Mr. Sheen. We won't get into the fact that Charlie doesn't have his kids right now because it's pretty damn clear he's gone off the deep end. But I'll get back to that later. Let's first talk about my favorite King of All Media.

I understand why women wouldn't want to listen to Howard Stern in the morning. There have been many times when the naked babes get in the studio and they start playing games like "Butt Bingo" that I turn the dial, but most of the times I listen to hear what Howard has to think about the day's events without any of that bullshit you hear on the too-scripted television talk shows. He tells it like it is and it's refreshing and honest. It's also the reason I enjoy reading online magazines more than print these days. It's like having dinner with smart intelligent people, not autonomic clones who toe the party line. It's great entertainment.

So while I do like the intelligent portion of Howard's show I will admit, there have been times, when they get one of those, ahem, adult film stars to ride on the huge sex toy machine they have in the studio, and I haven't turned the dial. It was just wild and amazing to be sitting in my my car listening to a woman have an orgasm — or fake an orgasm, I don't think they're all real — as I wait for my kids to get out of school.

But Howard does not create the "bad" behavior personified by Charlie Sheen, he just talks about it. He gives men and many women a safe outlet for their secret juvenile natures. Yes it's all fine for us adults to act like kids every once in a while, but sex crazed teenagers? Nope. Not all right. We're expected to hide our naughty youthful adventures from our kids (and probably rightly so) but what do we do about our inner teen? I tell you what happens. People cheat, leave marriages, ruin families. But I suspect that Howard offers a safe outlet for those urges and I seriously wonder how many marriages he has perhaps saved.

Here's the other thing. Howard always asks any porn star, prostitute, or genuinely bimbo-ish woman if they were abused as children, or something equally introspective. He is an incredible interviewer, seriously one of the best. But he also always asks everyone if they like or do anal. I know, many of you will think this is gross, but I'm one of those people who am fascinated by these questions, as Howard intuitively knows. Do you? Do they? Oh my God that's so gross! See how quickly I like, um, y'know devolve into my teenage self?

Now I'm not saying that not having an outlet for your inner teenager is the only cause of family implosion. It's just one of many, and one that can be completely avoided by the open use of pornography, sex toys, shows like Howard Stern (Sirius/XM used to have another great show called Bubba the Love Sponge, which is also an excellent outlet for your inner teen, but unfortunately the powers-that-be did not renew his contract, sadly and frankly stupidly, because instead they hired Dr. Laura who doesn't seem to know why it's not okay for white people to say the "N" word. Doc? It's for the same reason men can't say the "C" word Laura! Geez Louise!)

The other reason I love Howard and have been listening to him for 20 years. I was in college, waiting in the car for some reason and he interviewing a local Asian-American television journalist. In the interview, he kept referring to her as "oriental" and at first I was like, oh my God how rude! (I was still a teen-ager at the time.) But he kept pleading ignorance and seemed genuinely confused and kept saying, "Really? Are you sure? My parents always called Asians Oriental, so what should I be calling someone who is Oriental? " The journalist told Howard that "Oriental is a rug, Asian is what you call someone whose heritage is from Asia."  "Ah," Howard responds, "I didn't know that. Robin did you know that?"

And for some reason, I realized how smart he was. That he wasn't actually that ignorant. No way. He knows his demographic. And I realized that what he was doing was actually educating his listeners about how to not be racist. He knew it was wrong to call someone who is Asian-American an "Oriental," but he was pretty sure that many of his listeners didn't know, and so by "playing dumb" he educated a huge part, that was most likely ignorant of this racial slur how to speak properly of a whole racial class of people. Nowadays the only people of Asian descent "Oriental" are usually over 80. And of course Dr. Laura.

So back to Charlie. Yeah. He's sick. He is dying. I can't watch him on those television shows because I just want to put him in a straight jacket and take him to a hospital. His eyes are glazed and glassy, his skin looks pasty and plastic. He looks like he's about to die. I feel sadness for him and his family and his children. I  hope that he is given some kind of grace so that he can get well and be able to be a part of this world, instead of someone who is separate and sick and obviously crazy. So I pray that that something saves him and soon. But his children being taken away? Nothing to do with Howard Stern ladies and gentlemen. NOTHING. Totally unrelated. His children were taken away because anyone with a brain can see that he is unfit to take care of himself, let alone small children. He is sick; a sick and suffering privileged crazy rich man, but he's still sick and suffering.

And in the meantime, I am going to continue to enjoy one of the best broadcasters I've ever had the pleasure and privilege to listen to. It's good for my marriage, it's good for my inner teenager, and it's great for America. If you're squeamish about the naked ladies and porn stars, just tune it around 10am for Robin's news. It has always been my favorite part and it's the best dissection of what's going on today than anything else. Hands down.

I've been dealing with chronic pain for four years. Herniated disk, IBS, debilitating PMS/PMDD (Pre Menstrual Syndrome and Pre Menstrual Dysphmoric Disorder) which I'm beginning to suspect is Andenomyosis a form of endometriosis that might possibly be an autoimmune disease. Tired yet? Yeah me too because I've also JUST been diagnosed with Hashimotos or Hypothyroidism, another autoimmune disease that zaps all your energy and makes you lethargic and prone to gain weight.

Thank you. My diatribe is over.

Two more weeks and I see the endocrinologist again. My TSH levels are already in the "new" normal range, but that was true before I even started taking the medicine. I do know that the thyroid can sputter and slow, revving up in response to the slow down, so perhaps its reacting to all this external thyroid hormone by slowing the F down. I dunno. All I know is that I've been told it will take six weeks to feel better, and I've been told to try Armour thyroid hormone, and I've been told NOT to take Armour thyroid, and I've also been told that it's a delicate balance and that I have to be very proactive in talking to my doctor about how I'm feeling, etc...

One of the things I WANT to do is find out what my TSH levels used to be when I was younger. It's also a good project to get all my medical records in one place as I enter into this medically challenged phase of my life. But just GETTING to the doctors appointments and getting what I can done for Pixies has been more than I can handle right now. I just got a stress test this week and while it all looks good, I got way too tired for a healthy 40 year old, so I need to double check my lung function, but my internist is an asthma and lung specialist so I'm in good hands. I DO have exercise asthma, so I think I need to more aggressively treat that, once I have enough energy to get on a bike.

So. Nothing is happening in the home front or diet land. I weigh 165 pounds. More than I did at this time last year. But I'm hoping that once I can get on the bike it might be easier to lose weight. The Christmas decorations are down thanks to our fabulous PixieIntern (Kristin Faldetta, check out her great PixieTips!) although because she's an Organic Freedom she (and me too) forgot to get the big wreath off the mirror in the living-room. But it's good enough for now. And soon, I'll be back to my old self, freaking the hell out of Kelly (my sister and business partner) as I triple out do her in productivity! (I sure do hope!)

Well my dear readers, besides my new rock n' roll haircut that my oldest daughter Dorothy abhors, "It looks ugly, and you look like a teenager. An ugly teenager." I have an actual medical diagnosis that can be treated by an actual prescription drug that doesn't cost an arm and a leg. Yeah baby, I've got Hashimoto's Disease. Sound exotic doesn't it? Everytime I say it I think of that quasi-racist song from the 80's, "I think I'm turning Japanese, I think I'm turning Japanese, I really think so!"

It's an autoimmune disease that attacks your thyroid and slows that baby down. The thyroid is basically your body's thermometer, or energy gage. When it slows down, your body slows down. And sometimes when your body slows down it over compensates and you speed up. (Fatigue, insomnia, etc.) Also, in the early stages of the disease it doesn't always show up on standard tests. Personally? I think I've had it for a very long time. I'm sure an actual doctor would disagree, y'know studies and all that. But at least 10 years ago I had some test showing that I had some antibodies that meant my immune system was compromised. The treatment at the time was deemed too experimental by my insurance company, and so it went untreated and I continued to get every darn cold that passed my way and come winter time I was always stuffy. But it also got me to quit smoking, so well I can't complain about that miracle.

But five years ago after a ruptured ovarian cyst, followed by unexplained abdominal pain, then depression, then sudden weight gain, pain from a herniated disk, and I was gaining more weight and now dealing with chronic lower back pain that didn't respond to physical therapy or any kind of epidural steroid treatments — I began to live my life as if I was carrying around a 100 pound weight of exhaustion, fatigue, chronic pain, depression — and no medical professional could tell me there was anything wrong besides IBS, a herniated disk, and pre menstrual dysmorphic disorder.

But from March of 2006 to March of 2007 my whole life had turned upside down and there was something medically wrong with me. Unfortunately, the tests don't always show what someone who is sensitive to hormones can tell in her bones. The same way I can tell my children have a fever by looking at them, tell you exactly how high it is by holding them in my laps, I knew it was Hashimotos. I'm an extremely sensitive gal, especially to hormones, and so my body could tell, long before the tests did.

They think Hashimoto's is caused by a virus. And I'll tell ya, my immune system changed dramatically about 11 years ago when I first met my husband. I thought it was turning 30, but something happened. I remember because it was the first time I got a cold or the flu that I didn't bounce back from quickly. It laid me out pretty bad and it didn't respond to Sudaphed and the usual cold medicines I used. And then I kept getting sick. Here I was, falling in love with my soul mate, feeling that all was right with the world and my body was falling apart. I also started suffering from IBS again (which frankly I had had for a lot longer, but it tends to come in waves.)

So I don't know if Hashimotos can be around that long undetected, especially since it can cause infertility and birth defects and I had two pretty damn normal kids in the last 10 years. So suffering from this for 10 years is probably a pretty big diagnostic leap. But everything after that ruptured ovarian cyst in March of '06? Yeah, something changed then.

I saw an endocrinologist in late '07 and while all the tests came back normal, she did notice my thyroid was slightly enlarged. THUS, the Big Throat comment... but I was so despondent when I was only diagnosed with low Vitamin D and calcium that I didn't follow up with having a sonogram of my thyroid. So that was a big mistake. To get dispirited when you have a disease that zaps away all your energy, AND to be a personality type that would rather get things done when she "feels" like it. Yep. It was the perfect storm of inaction!

And while I have found profound relief from the Structural Energetic Therapy bodywork, when my IBS started acting up again this fall something fierce, I knew I had to go back to a GI doctor and have a work up. I'd seen one in the past and she'd helped me tremendously and it had really calmed down for a while. Once a month or once a quarter flare ups as opposed to every week, or worse, twice a week. So had blood tests in November, got the colonoscopy scheduled in January, (YEAH, very annoying, thank you HMO land...) and right before they're about to put me under for the colonoscopy (on my side, in a gown open for all to see) she tells me that my thyroid levels were up. Ooooh.!

So I have no idea what any of that meant. The colonoscopy showed nothing of course. But that's good. Never want to have cancer. That would suck. So I call her the next week to make an appointment and they can't give me one till February!! So I asked for those test results which she should have told me about, um in November? But she told me there was some kind of mix up. Anyhow. I got the test results, scheduled an appointment with my internist AND got the name of another endocrinologist and kept getting more and more hopeful and excited about the possibility that I actually was right four years ago and that I might actually get to be my old self again...

Okay. I'm sorry for going on. But I'll wrap it up, I promise. So I see my internist on Tuesday. When I made the appointment, he said that he was going to have to retest me. Which made me nervous, which is why I made the appointment with the endocrinologist. And sure enough he wants to do more tests because there is a possibility that my thyroid levels were up because of a virus (apparently you can just get viruses on your thyroid which aren't autoimmune) But he was good. Told me we were going to figure this out fast. But I was good and scheduled all the tests for the next day, and visited two underground medical facilities. One which had a posted sign of a gun with a red cross through it saying, "No Firearms Allowed!" Yikers!

I didn't expect anything except more tests when I went to see the endocrinologist. And I went on and on. I told her this whole story that I've told you all right now. I even got a little weepy. (Got my period today) She was very sweet and listened to me, but the whole time I'm thinking, "She's gonna tell me this is all normal and that my levels are probably from a virus" But she didn't. She started telling me that my TSH levels weren't that high (if they're high your thyroid is slow, low and your thyroid is fast) BUT that I had antibodies which was a clear sign that I had hypothyroidism. I was in total shock. I couldn't believe it. She could see what my internist (who is an asthma specialist) could not. She asked me to sit still and examined my throat and said, "Yes, feels like classic Hashimoto's" Yippee!! Holy Cow! Geez Louise! I was in so much shock I couldn't believe it. Then she examined me and they took blood and she explained more, how if I DO get pregnant that I need to double the dose and call her immediately, and she just rocked my whole world.

After I left I went outside and looked up. I hadn't even noticed really where I was. But there was the Dakota, one of the oldest and most beautiful apartment buildings in New York. It's where John Lennon was shot and Yoko Ono lives to this day. It's stunning. And I looked up at that powerful and 100 year old building and could feel the world shift. The same way I did when this sweet man named Walter Sabo walked me around Gramercy Park and told me we should have lunch one day at The National Arts Club. Like the first moment I saw my daughters' scrunched up faces, and the way I felt when I held Dorothy in my arms in our kitchen, safe home from the hospital. It was like everything had been slightly tilted and off, out of focus. But now, I had been righted. Balanced again and on two feet, I walked down to the subway. Shift.

I've been on Percocet since April, for my lower back (herniated disk) my horrible menstrual periods (since I was 11) although they are much worse and, oh right IBS. Constipation AND diarrhea. I cannot take NSAIDs on a regular basis as while I have gotten them not to hurt my stomach (take them with a double dose of Prilosec or a Nexium if you can get your evil insurance company to cover it) but nothing seems to be able to protect my colon, and so while the Ibuprofen can mitigate the menstrual cramps, it will cause really bad gas and colon spasms once it makes its way down the shoot. Needless to say, all these things excacerbate the herniated disk and so, pain wise, it's been a shitty year. Sorry, no other word for it.

Good things though are Dorothy Rose and Meredith Grace, my husband's business picking up some steam, and my brother and his wife having a baby boy in June. So LOT's of good news. We started the fall with a new school, literally two blocks away. PS. 40. We are randomly zoned for literally the best public elementary school in New York City. Being such a Montessori snob I didn't think it was possible to like a public school, but this one is pretty damn cool. The last thirty years have definitely incorporated a lot of the best parts of Montessori into the normal curriculum — tables, collaborative teaching, taking individual learning styles into acccount — so I've been very impressed.

The private school system in New York is ill equipped to handle children who DO learn differently, so we found ourselves pushed out of our private "Montessori" school (It was not a very good one, I know because I went to one of the best) because they were incapabale of teaching Dorothy how to read. They asked us to literally spend as much on tutors as we did on the tuition, not to mention pay for $4,000 assessement that they asked us to get and then did nothing with and then STILL pushed us out of the school, with my 7 year old still not being able to read. The Family School. Fine for pre-school. Go somewhere else for Kindtergarten.

So Dorothy Rose has quickly learned how to read in the three months she's been at the new school, not to mention she's done this all without a tutor or any actual expense on our part. She's pretty awesome. Meredith started Kindergarten and loves it. She was terrified at her last school (pulled out all her hair her first year of pre-school!) so we are definitely at the right school and glad to be rid of The Family School.

When one of my best friend's had trouble getting pregnant and went to a fertility doctor I figured I should probably do the same, as I am three years older than her and would really really like another child. Yes I know money is tight and that me and my husband are old, but my family just doesn't feel complete yet. Whole and beautiful and perfect, but I think we need to try everything before we settle in to the acceptance of thie family of four. So I've had blood tests and some lovely test where they lay you flat on your back, legs high and wide and shoot dye into your uterus to make sure your tubes are clear. Mine are clear. I've had trouble scheduling the other one where they put air into my uterus and do a sonogram, because fertility doc land is like a conveyer belt factory kind of world. Also, being an Organic Freedom means I'm not on top of things like other types would be and Holiday time really takes up all my able planning skills.

So. Hoping this Monday to finish with setting up my appointments for my fertility testing! Also I began this year with a good roto rooter to the old colon, so need to make the follow up appointment for that too. AND, the best news of the new year for me so far is that right before I went under for the colonoscopy, my doc told me there was something fishy with my thyroid blood test results.! YES! I've been suspecting this issue ever since I gained 15 pounds in 6 months with no change in my crappy ass diet. SO, will also be making an appointment with an endocrinologist Monday too. I hope. Here's the thing about being an Organic Freedom. I have a list in my head, but I get things done when I'm inspired to do so.

I'm going to shut up now. My health issues have definitely stopped my ability to get my house in order, but I've made some progress in small areas and I'll share those after photos with you this week or next. Kelly and I are adding a lot of new content to PixiesDidIt! so my blog will be more of a weekly, when I am so moved kind of thing. Which is much more in tune with my personality type. We can definitely stick to a routine for a little while, but then we need to shake it up, or rather things DO get shooken up. So we'll see how this new year rolls.

My goals:

• Organize all the Rooms in my House
• Get Pregnant AND Carry a Baby to Term!
• Lose Weight
• Get Rid of my Back Pain
• Get Rid of my Menstrual Pain (hopefully by being pregnant!)
• Get Rid of my Colon Pain

So, we're not allowed to surf, fish, play ball, frolick with dogs, or use any kind of inflatable or floating device in the ocean, but the lifeguards are somehow allowed to blast their crappy music at ear numbing decibels. Yeah, not loving Delaware so much.

I am spoiled. I am a spoiled ocean front girl. I have no idea why anyone would go to the beach if they're not going to have an unspoiled ocean front view from their house. Especially since there are so many houses packed up to the gills along the ocean. Like I really want to come to the beach and stare at tons of houses. Many of them empty.

Sigh. With Bayhead, at least, I was staying in a beautiful, if weathered, 100 year old hotel in a quaint little town that had historic homes that were pretty to look at, plus a main drag that was far enough away and home towny. I had pretty much NO view, and what I could see were those quaint old houses, mixed in with a few "developer" specials. But Bayhead is beautiful, and I would love to own an ocean front home there, (especially since it's only an hour away from the city) but it would put me back about 5 million. Not going to be able to do that anytime soon.

So when I was a kid, we went down to the Cape Hatteras National Seashore in North Carolina. Ocean front, but one helluva long walk to the beach. And back in the free and easy 70's, this oceanfront house had NO AC. But I have no memory of being hot, so go figure. What I do remember was gorgeous dunes, golden sea oats fluttering in the wind. Scary sounding wind whistling through the windows late at night and the creaking of the house as it swayed slightly on the stilts it was perched on, in case a hurricane made the ocean devastate the dunes and the surf actually came in the football field length of space between the ocean and our house. Come to think if it, this is probably why I have stress dreams about the ocean coming to get me. Anyway, it was untouched and beautiful and it is what I think of when I think of the ocean.

And in North Carolina? Things are relaxed. Down on the national seashore in the 70's there were no lifeguards. You could have your dog running around off a leash, fly a kite, take a raft out into the rolling waves and catch a ride. It was idyllic and beautiful and it looks pretty much the same today, except for a few more houses.

So, fast forward to this week's vacation in Bethany Beach Delaware. Apparently there is some town center, similar to Bayhead, that is quaint and historic. Unfortunately it's not where our house is, so we have yet to see it. I did get to see downtown Rehobeth Beach last night, which was historic, reminded me a little of Ocean Grove, NJ, except for all the bars, and the throngs of people, ready to go bar hopping on a Saturday night near the ocean. Plus the big main avenue, double laned thoroughfare with no left turns (!!) that was perpendicular to and ending at the ocean.

So far, we're looking at a very big and wide beach, with newly seeded dunes that look like a bad/new hair transplant job. And then the house we're in, we think its stilts have been recently enclosed. They are big thick pylons and if they weren't enclosed, it might make sense to coat them in a thick layer of oil/tar like substance called creosote. This is a waterproofing, HIGHLY FLAMMABLE, substance that is used on railroad ties and telephone poles. Inside of a house? Even if it's just the garage? Yeah, the whole place smells like creosote, whose fumes are carcinogenic in animals, and suspected of being so in humans. It's a regulated substance, and seriously, one carelessly tossed cigarette? Poof. Up in smoke! We won't get into what kind of personality type the owner of this house must be (but they do have labels and instructions everywhere.)

On the beach, my sister put a coast guard approved life jacket on her 2 year old son, so she wouldn't have to STAND the whole time she is on the beach with him (because he has a habit of sprinting to the ocean shore and flinging himself into the surf) But the lifeguards told her she wasn't allowed because if he somehow got sucked into a wave, the jacket would bring him to the top of the wave (right, so he wouldn't drown) and then drop him onto the, um, shore? I'm not sure why he isn't allowed to wear one and neither is Kelly, but she did tell him, "So if my son drowns, I sue you?" I told her to ignore them, but easier said than done. Also, no dogs, no kites, no fishing, no ball playing and no surfing and no inflatable devices. What the F are we supposed to do?! Ah the nanny state in action.

So, even if town is unbearable cute, I hardly think we are ever coming here, ever again. Long Beach Island in NJ is closer, has less rules and I trust a life jacket will save the life of my child if she gets sucked into a wave, or even worse, a rip tide, and the life guard — too busy listening to his LOUD BOOM BOX ! — will probably not even notice. I actually watched one kid get pounded by a wave, and had trouble getting up. I watched him to make sure he was okay, but if I was a life guard in charge of keeping people safe? I would have made friggin sure that kid was fine.

So. Delaware's Beaches? Not a big fan.

But we're also about to break out with categories of tips, y'know like a proper magazine, Travel, Health, Home, Relationships, etc.. because we've been writing these tips for about a year and since I haven't had a vacation in three years, we are going a bit wild this summer. I've got Jersey Shore, Cleveland, Pittsburgh, Malibu, Findlay Ohio, and Bethany Beach Delaware and that's just ME. My little sis has been a bit of a jet setter herself lately, so I thought we should definitely start to think about using our own life experience, especially as it pertains to type. So. Bayhead.

It's perfect for last minute, we've got to get our of here right now or we're going to explode vacations, which is what we were working with after three years without sun and beach. (We had gone two years ago to the Jersey shore but in late September, so we had sand but no sun.) So the last minute, spur of the moment vacation would work best for Organic Freedom and Smart Freedoms like my husband and me. My Classic daughter freaked out when our free condo fell through and we had to book a hotel! So this type of trip would not be ideal for Classics. Funs would do well, although only travelling an hour away from home might not be enough of an adventure, but rest assured this beach town has lots of water sports available, so there are other things to do besides sit on the beach.

Walter and I were given a long weekend at The Grenville Inn in Bayhead NJ as a wedding present by some of his sweet friends and we checked it out as a newlyweds and had such a good time that we came again the following summer when I was pregnant with Dorothy. It was in The Grenville Inn that Dorothy first woke her father up in the middle of the night by kicking him. When he told his mother about Dorothy's in utero back flips she said, "Get used to it." And oh has he ever. 

It is a quaint and historic Inn. It is not a grand hotel, but more like a giant Bed and Breakfast. Some people have written that it has fallen on hard times, or is run down, and while it could probably stand a renovation, its not THAT bad. It's clean, and whatever you need they will provide. Plus it's a small enough hotel that I felt safe sending the 7 & 5 year olds down to get me coffee and a bagel every morning, and they relished the freedom and made friends with the wait staff. Everyone there was ridiculously friendly and sweet and we had a nice and relaxed time.

We booked last minute for the fourth of July weekend, and were able to get a room, however very SMALL...it was cozy and after the weekend we got a bigger room with pull out couch and lots more space. The pull out couch NEEDS TO BE, um replaced? Or completely fixed, but when Walter complained of this (the hammock on the bottom end of the bed was worn through and so if anyone over four feet tall slept on it, their feet were on the floor) they took off a nights charged.

People have complained of the Air Conditioning, but frankly we were there for the heat wave and we were very comfortable. There are free standing units in every room, and central AC, and I was very very chill. Also, the food is grand. It's truly top notch and the snobby New Yorkers (of which I can be included. I have a highly developed palate and I love good food and it's one of my favorite things about NYC) can suck it, because the food was good. Yeah, they had some "heavy" fare, but it IS New Jersey and our connoisseur loved the pork chops, and I loved the artichoke and goat cheese appetizer. And whatever fish special I had was divine and yummy and I ate the whole thing which is unusual for me.

Our other favorite spot for lunch, however was Dorcas. This little breakfast and lunch place has the sweet little teenage waiters — they all had ponytails, wore khaki mini skirts and green polos. (so yeah, your husband will get you whatever you want from this place, oh excuse me MY husband will get you whatever you want!) We were never able to sit together as a family, however because Meredith wanted to eat at the soda fountain and there were only three stools, so Dorothy and I had nice lunches together and when the weather broke we all had a nice lunch outside on their gravel patio under the awning. Best turkey club EVER.

We also found the best gift/souvenir shop in Cobwebs Gift Shoppe. We had to hold the girls back because they wanted to buy everything in the store (and me too!) In the end they got these very reasonably priced $10/each little porcelain mini boxes. Dorothy's was of a mermaid on a dolphin with a starfish inside, Meredith's was a bathtub with yellow duckies inside. They also got necklaces. Dorothy's is a mini bottle with sand and beach glass inside. She has been wearing hers every day. I got these cool shoes called SwitchFlops. You can change the outside. I got the kitten heels which aren't THAT comfortable, but they are sweet and I will be getting more outside ones, and probably the flat kind...

Also frequented Mueller's Bakery! All in all a quite satsifying and relaxing and happy week. Highly recommend Bayhead.

And no, Kelly did not meet her in this town, she met her in New York City, sitting across or next to each other in one of those hedge fund thingies that everyone's been talking about for the last couple of years. All I know about hedge funds is that they gave Kelly one of her most fabulous and lovely friends and one of my favorite people. I'm like a wanna-be friend. She has admired a ring that I got for pushing Meredith out of my yahoo and I have every intention of giving it to her if I kick the bucket before she does. Kelly thinks I'm mad, but hey that's how I roll. And it's how friggin' cool "Aerin" is.

So, her folks. Okay "Aerin" who is apparently afraid of sharks in pools like my freaky sister is one of those people who you can't help but stare at. She's killer gorgeous, with big brown eyes, luscious dark hair, and a ridiculously fit, tan and skinny tall body. She's Italian, which means her real name is most certainly not "Aerin" but we can all dream can't we? She's got the cutest dimple when she smiles which is often and has this way of talking out the side of her mouth that makes you feel like you have finally arrived amonst the in-crowd. That she would laugh out loud and long at my description of her, since she is from one helluva small ass, past its prime Western Pennsylvanian town is also part of her charm. Now we need to add her folks to the list of her charms.

It's so fun, with such a big personality, someone whose light you enjoy basking in, to see where that star fell from. And I was not disappointed. Aerin shares her mom's beauty and her dad's smart eyes. Her mom has the similar side smile and dimple and the quick and easy laugh. Her dad is a straight talker, retired Air Force man, and has all the confidence that such a life inspires, oh except for a mischievious sparkle in his eyes. Such a delight. Their house is perfection. As we all (Mom, Kelly and I) said as we drove out of town, "we would all happily move right in." Perfectly decorated and perfectly tidy. And they were sweet, easy and happy people to spend an afternoon with. Sipping iced tea in a breezy spot under the trees, the children playing with chalk on the pavement as we talked about Aerin's upcoming wedding and just the sweet little details of life.

Mom and I separately heard the train whistles in the not so distance and were reminded of my grandparents and her parents. The town they shared their lives in, and it was magical to have a home we could be welcomed to in such a special place. Aerin's mom IS Italian, so if we thought coming to visit during a non-eating time would mean we wouldn't be eating, we were sorely mistaken. She made us the perfect summer feast. A chicken salad casserole (really really good!) and a fresh green salad with yummy fruit. I ate everything on my plate and that is not something I every truly do. And then, um, scrumptious dessert! Peach cheesecake pie. I'm still full.

So. I'm sorry I didn't make the soup. After we left Aerin's parents we went out to see the house my grandpa grew up in, the hollow we went for walks in, the cemetery to visit my grandparents and aunts and uncles graves, and leave stones on the headstones. We drove past the church my mom got married in, the walk on Thiel College where my grandpa proposed to my grandma, the house my Grandma Breck moved into as a widower and my Aunt Emily and Uncle Don's house. All the stops! We got home around 10 pm. Tired but full of fun and adventure. I won't even detail the last two days we spent in Pittsburgh with my mom's brother and his family, but it was magical too. These summer visits to Cleveland are the best rejuvenating vacations. I pray they keep happening for many many years to come.

Amen!

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